Ruminations
by Lady Savage
Summary: Drabbles from Season 5: Thoughts and motivations of the characters in the final season of Angel
1. The GodKing

**A/N:**_ A short exploring an idea I had at school today. There are spoilers for Angel's season 5. I may continue to post little snippets of my insights into the wonderful character and the amazing possibilities that she represents. But I meant it about the spoilers._

**Disclaimer:**_ This is either really insightful or really stupid. Maybe both. Who knows? _

**XXX**

**The God-King**

This shell is weak. Pathetically so. All the mortals in this time are so. It is disgusting beyond words, beyond expression how far I have fallen. I, who once ruled kingdoms vaster than anything known to this world now, have been compressed, reduced to nothing. My power has been crippled, stolen from me and I was unable to stop them.

They infest this world like the vermin they are. Everywhere I look I am reminded of what was once my realm, my kingdom. Humans are nothing but deceit. They lie to themselves, create walls. Not just about their person, but about their very essence.

Love. Mercy. Compassion. Justice. They taint their existence with myths, lies to make themselves seem important. Words are a distortion, a filthy reflection of their being and their thoughts. Rather than simply share of their essence to communicate, they compress reality, label it and only use these labels to communicate. They believe this is truth.

What is worse still is that, somehow, these insignificant, inadequate animals have taken control more than they realise. Demons now speak to one another as they do. How the mighty have fallen. With every passing moment they bring the demon world more into their own. No longer are they the scum beneath our feet. They use their words to reign us in, to tether themselves to us.

It is a cause for some concern. I do not understand their words. I am not so diminished that I cannot understand the meaning they have behind them. I can speak with any living thing, as I once could. Writing makes no sense. These humans are so deeply imbedded in their fantasies that meaningless, lifeless symbols are used to express meaning. There is no life to them. It is impossible to tell when they are lying.

Words have power in this world. Written words have more power than spoken words, and there is no reason for it. For countless lives and in numberless realms I extended my consciousness, exerted my will. Now I am forced to live on the charity of a half-breed who only rules due to words. I have no choice but to live with the memories of the shell I inhabit. Here, now, I have less power than any of the infinite mortals I could end with a moment's effort.

And it scares me.

**XXX**

**A/N:**_ My first ever drabble. I'm tearing up. Really. Or not. Who knows? Me. Okay, enough rambling for now. I will post any Angel Drabbles I write in this folder (purely in the interest of keeping my profile clean) but since I am uncomfortable writing things so small and self-contained, it's unlikely to happen soon. Of course, I have always been persuaded by a REVIEW._


	2. The Secretary

**A/N:**_ This annoying little drabble was running around my head. Most annoyingly, it decided to write itself while I was trying to finish up a chapter for Progeny. Damn ideas._

**Disclaimer:**_ Still Angel, season 5. This one has fewer spoilers than the last one. Basically set shortly before Harm's Way._

**XXX**

**The Secretary**

Life totally sucks. And not in that, ha ha it's funny because I'm a vampire way either. It used to be good. I was a princess in high school (Cordy was always the queen). I had it all. I had friends, and uh… probably some other stuff too.

Then I find out freako Buffy is even more freakish and wants us to fight a giant snake who wants to eat us, which, y'know, is fine by me. Being made into vamp chow wasn't part of the deal. At first I thought it was great. Fat free diet, eternal good looks, super strength. Only it's not good. What's the point of being beautiful forever if you can't lie in the beach, or fix your hair in a mirror?

My Blondie-bear betrayed me for Buffy or Droodzilla or someone, so I go to Cordy. Cordy, I think. She'll be there for me. After all, she's my best friend. Ha! Best friend. I go to her, I try to learn how to be good, and what's the thanks I get? I get sent in to a vampire den to betray them from the inside. I was ready for guarding the car! And worse, she stopped being my friend just because I couldn't fight my nature one time. One time! And I totally wouldn't have let them kill her.

Then life, or is it unlife? Note to self; find out. Anyways, so life gets a little better. I get a job as a typewriter in a law firm, Wolfram & Hart. It's not a great job, but it's pretty good. It's a steady income and they're understanding about the whole vampire thing. My life had been going good. I'd even been considering turning this cute guy who worked as a clerk. After all, I hadn't had a proper boyfriend since my Blondie-bear.

Then Angel had to go and ruin my life. At first I was worried when I was picked out of the whole office, then I was happy. I'd gotten a promotion to personal secretary of the CEO. Which turned out to be Angel. Wolfram & Hart promised me that he wouldn't kill me.

Then the problems started. First the cute clerk stopped chatting with me. Then, when Angel began his no tolerance policy everyone stopped chatting with me. Angel would get cranky and kill someone, or fire someone, or yell at someone and they all blamed Harmony. I could tell from the way they stared at me.

And even though every one of me friends stopped talking to me and everyone started hating me, I still did my job. Pretty damn well, too. I stopped valuable clients from leaving more than once, and I explained to them about Angel's cranky moods and made sure Angel always knew when his appointments were and where he was supposed to be.

Did that help me? Oh no, Angel could never say thank you. Angel doesn't say that. He doesn't say please, or Hi, Harmony, how are you either. It wasn't enough that he ruined my life over and over again. He had to be angry at me and yell all the time and push me until I just wanted to scream or cry or kill something or kill myself.

"Harmony!" he bellowed, the same as he always did when it was time for his morning blood.

Handing him his perfectly heated mug, I gave a large, artificial smile.

"Hi, Bossy."

**XXX**

**A/N:**_ I'm not sure if that came out as intended. It's late, et cetera, et cetera. REVIEW. If you want to see anybody in particular, let me know._


	3. The Lawyer

**A/N:**_ A tentative exploration into a character I love, but struggle to relate to. Or maybe not. Maybe I get it perfectly. Let me know with a review._

**Disclaimer:**_ Huge spoilers here. For a significant part of the fifth season, too. Of course, I've been spoiling things (more or less indirectly thus far) and will do so again in future. Still, I warn those who have not yet seen Smile Time or beyond._

**XXX**

**The Lawyer**

My whole life it's been about the mission. Ever since I was a kid, I've had a mission. It used to be to look out for me and Alonna. Then it was to protect my crew and kill vamps. I was the leader. I was important. It wasn't much but I changed the world, for the better. I did what I could.

Then I joined up with Angel. I did more with him and Wes and Cordy in a month than my old crew did in a year. I wasn't the leader there, but that was cool. It's always about the mission, and the mission was a good one.

Fred came along. Cordy's visions got better, more accurate and she learned how to fight. Wes had all his book smarts. Fred knew all the latest science junk, stuff I'd never even heard about let alone understand. Angel got stronger, faster.

It was always about the mission. Only, I wasn't a part of it any more. Sure, I was some extra muscle but that was it. I stuck around because I needed to be part of the mission, any way I could. Most of my old crew was dead or gone. Alonna was gone. I didn't have anything except the fight.

Then we made a deal with the Devil. Join forces with Wolfram & Hart, fight from within the belly of the beast. I'm not there long and next thing I know I'm called up into the White Room to have a nice little chat with the Big Cat.

They want to use my untapped potential, they tell me. Send me down to some crazy doc to get a brain upgrade. They put in the Law. Human, demon, everything. I knew the law in languages Wes didn't even know. I knew customs, had a library of knowledge inside my head. I was useful.

Then it started to fade. Just little things at first. I didn't notice, thought it was stress. Before I knew it, it was almost all gone. I could remember knowing it, but the knowledge wasn't there. And it was damned unfair!

They were taking it back, taking away my skill, my knowledge. They were making me nothing again, and it's not going to happen. It's all about the mission, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let Wolfram & Hart stop me!

"So, do we have a deal?"

"Deal."

**XXX**

**A/N:**_ Just trying to explore one of the core characters a bit. I still plan to cover Wesley (twice, maybe thrice), Cordy, Connor, Lindsey, Eve, Fred, Knox (maybe), Lorne (maybe twice), Spike and, of course, Angel. Oh, and anyone I missed. If you'd like to see anyone in particular, let me know._


	4. The Assistant

**A/N:**_ My best guesses on yet another character. I'm doing this because it intrigued a few of you, and it caught my imagination. I'm reasonably sure I got my facts right, and this is the only way I could understand this decision. On with the drabble!_

**Disclaimer:**_ Massive spoilers for A Hole In The World and beyond. _

**XXX**

**The Assistant**

My whole life I've had people telling me I'm special, I'm smart, I'm brilliant. My whole life I've had people telling me God loves me no matter what. My whole life, people have been lying to me.

I didn't realise at first. I mean, how could I? Everyone was telling me the same thing, and I hadn't heard anything different so I believed it. I was thirteen when I realised. My grandfather died when I was thirteen, and I went to his funeral. It was open casket.

I looked at him, the corpse. Everyone was crying and sad but I didn't know him that well so, y'know. But I got to thinking. We're nothing. Just fragile souls in biological machinery. We're not special, not smart, not brilliant. We're not good, or evil, or anything so grandiose as all that. We're just small, insignificant. God didn't love us. God didn't exist. Why would something perfect deign to notice our existence, let alone love us?

So I started looking. There had to be something to believe in. For a while, I thought it might be science. Science, though, is just a tool. A means to an end. Think of an end, and you'll be able to use science to get there eventually. It's full of hows, but it doesn't answer why, doesn't give a real meaning. Believing in science would be like believing in hammers. You don't believe in tools.

I kept looking. Eventually, I found It. It was amazing, beautiful, horrible, terrifying, awesome. It was great and vast, so beyond me that there was no comparison. It didn't love me, or hate me, or notice me, or ignore me. It didn't care if I loved It, or feared It, or hated It. It wasn't perfect. Perfect had no meaning to It. It simply was, and that was more than enough for It.

That's why it has to be Fred. She's perfect. Warm, and beautiful, inside and out. She epitomises everything great about humanity. She's goodness and light and kindness. She is wonderful and loving and smart and special and brilliant. If God existed, he'd love her more than anyone else. Whenever I see her, my heart swells and I feel like I can do anything, be anything.

That's why it has to be Fred. No one else in this entire world, not even me, is even close to being worthy of It except her. Only her.

**XXX**

**A/N:**_ I think I made it clear enough, but just in case this was from Knox's perspective. I don't think he was as evil as he seemed, and tried to express it. To me, it seemed as though it was how he expressed his love (even though he deserves all our hate for what he did - regardless of our feelings for Illyria, Fred deserved better and so did Wes). Still, let me know what you think in a REVIEW._


	5. The Enemy

**A/N:**_ Something that has been requested a few times, and I've finally got my head around the character. Half-remembered quotes and half-formed ideas have combined to form quoteas. Ideotes? Eh, something like that. Whatever they are, they equal this._

**Disclaimer: **_Blame time off for this one. Half a day off and I'm off to do another drabble. I spoil you all. This one has spoilers for the last few episodes of the season. When I write them all, I'm going to put them into chronological order, because this is just dodgy. Ooh and slightly naughty language. Okay, so it's a naughty word._

**XXX**

**The Enemy**

There are two types of people in this word. The stepped on, and the stepping. As long as I can remember I've been trying to be the one who does the stepping. It still burns me that my father laughed and joked with the assholes who came to take our house. He was so pathetic. I used to be determined to be better than him.

I was better than him. I went off to University and I got myself a law degree. I fought tooth and nail against people richer, and smarter than I was. They say the ladder of success is made from the necks of the people you pass, and if that's true then I didn't just go up the ladder. I jumped on every rung.

It's why I was handpicked to join Wolfram & Hart. Holland Manners saw in me a passion. Good and evil don't matter. There are only the strong and the weak. Power is all that matters. Good men starve just like an evil man if they don't have food, they get just as cold. Holland knew I saw that truth.

Then Angel came and took my power away from me, as well as my hand. The bastard didn't even care. It wasn't about power, to him. It wasn't about anything to him except doing the right thing. Not revenge, not money, not power, not even a woman. He took away my power and I wanted it back. I hated him for it.

I thought Wolfram & Hart gave it back to me. They gave me back my hand. Only, to do that they stole all power from someone else. That's when I finally saw them for what they were. They had danced me in front of Angel not caring whether I'd survive or not. I was valuable, but expendable. Their gift hadn't come with strings attached - their gift was nothing but strings.

I did the only thing I could. I left. I went searching for real power, and I found it. African shamans and their magics let me have power, let me take it. Then I went to take my revenge on Angel, pay him back for taking my hand. Went back to L.A., did the whole fight thing and lost. This loss was different to my other one, though. I didn't get defeated here. I realised something.

Angel was the one who'd lost his power. I remember from my days at Wolfram & Hart the whispers. Everyone in the division whispered about Angel, the prophesied vampire with a soul, the wild card in the apocalypse; fated to play a part but not fated to either side. He'd had power. Now, he was just another cog in the machine at Wolfram & Hart, and he knew it.

Its why he's offering me this chance to strike back at the puppet masters through their own puppets. We both know we'll never be able to beat them, and that this mission will probably kill us both and all his little friends besides. I still hate him, but he's giving me the chance to take the power back.

"If you want me, I'm in."

"I want you, Lindsey."

**XXX**

**A/N:**_ Don't know if I got Lindsey right here. I slapped this up quickly and all, (and I couldn't leave that last quote out of it) and I'd like to think it's good, but I don't know if I did Lindsey justice._


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